It's ok if...

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Real quick, in case you're waiting for permission, I hereby declare that it's ok if:

  • Your baby/toddler doesn't sleep through the night
  • You're not as interested in dropping those last few pounds of baby weight as you thought you'd be by now
  • You breastfeed your 14-month-old 
  • ...but you wish you could wear regular, non-nursing bras again
  • You can't imagine having another baby yet
  • You haven't taken a romantic vacation away with your husband since the baby
  • You don't enforce a strict schedule at home like the internet says you should
  • You are ready for bed by 9pm
  • You are both addicted to and paralyzed by to-do lists
  • You don't daydream of staying home full-time with your baby
  • You spend too much time on Instagram
  • You're worried your blog is going to turn into a mommy blog
  • You are ready to donate 75% of your pre-baby wardrobe
  • You are grateful for a wonderful daycare but your heart still hurts a tiny bit when you drop your baby off in the morning
  • You are happy and tired and grateful but sometimes quite whiny
  • You still try to control everything, even though you can't

And, of course, it's ok if the opposite of these things are true for you. It's all ok, and you're ok and you look nice today even though that dress doesn't fit quite the way it used to but it's hugging those mom curves and there's something kind of nice about that. Grab a cider doughnut and make this week a good one :)

Precious lives

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It's been a tough few weeks in the world, but I know that every week brings with it violence that is often not reported, or at least not reported here in the U.S. My heart is heavy for those who suffer violence, for the black men who have died at the hands of police, for the police officers who died at the hands of cowardly snipers, for those who died in horror at their safe haven in Orlando, for victims of terrorism in Paris, Brussels, Istanbul, Baghdad and countless of other places in countries I've never been to, for the women and girls around the world who are used as pawns in bloody wars, for those who face physical or emotional violence every day just because of who they are or love. Others will say and do more than I can right now, but I will continue to hold space and light for those suffering today.

space for reflection

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There is so much happening right now and yet I can't think of what to write. Or rather, I don't know what to share. So many of the things taking shape in my life are tough ones to write publicly about: pregnancy, work, politics, and The Figuring Out Of Things.

If I think of this space as a journal, I freeze up. I'm not interested in documenting my life chronologically here on a blog. My day-to-day goings-on and thoughts... those aren't meant for public consumption. I love Instagram as much as the next person but even so, I live most moments privately. You don't see what my mornings are like or what I do at work. You don't get a sense for how I'm adjusting to a new professional challenge or the nights I fall asleep on the couch at 8pm. And I don't want to start sharing all of this! But I do want to hold space for reflection.

I'm not here to document everything I ate this weekend or each moment I've lived. I'm here to share stories and thoughts, to explore themes, to spread a little bit of cheer or wonder or beauty. There! The pressure is off! I don't have to fret because this blog doesn't reflect the chronology of my life. Phew. I've been inching toward this realization for some time now, but now I've got some clarity around what I want to share here. Essays, found inspiration & occasional updates from a life actually lived, instead of just a life documented.

A few topics on my mind:  leadership, feminism, imposter syndrome, civility, pregnancy, identity. And irreverent essays based on writing prompts found on the internet.

A baby boy

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Hello world! Chris and I wanted to let you know that we are expecting a new little family member to join our tribe this July! Baby Boy will be here just in time for summer campfires, frisbee and home improvement projects.

Woo hoo! Now that the cat's outta the bag, I can't wait to share some thoughts the first 22 weeks of pregnancy. Because people, I've got lots of thoughts on this whole thing :)

To feel the way i want to feel

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I'm trying something new for 2015. Instead of resolutions— which I really do love— I'm asking myself,

What will I do to feel the way I want to feel?

It's a new way of getting to the goal, which is of course, to do good and feel good. A year or two ago I started following Danielle LaPorte and poked around her Desire Map process. Danielle believes that when you sit down to make to-do lists— which, again, I really love— that you aren't really chasing a goal but rather you're chasing a feeling. That makes sense to me. My to-do list might tick off the tasks that I need to do for our home to be neat and organized, but what I'm really after is that feeling of calm and control when everything is in its place.

What if, first, we got clear on how we actually wanted to feel in our life, and then we laid out our intentions? What if your most desired feelings consciously informed how you plan your day, your year, your career, your holidays — your life?
- Danielle LaPorte

I'm intrigued. So when the 2016 Desire Map Planner came out I scooped myself up one and set about using it as a daily prompt for journaling, reflecting and dreaming. 

My planning system already involves:

  • A work-only weekly planner where I jot my to-dos, meeting notes and miscellany so everything is tracked chronologically, which is the only way I've been able to organize the happy chaos that comes with my job.
  • Digital calendars for every appointment, meeting, deadline, birthday and reminder. My Outlook calendar syncs to my Google calendars which all syncs to my phone. I'm religious about making sure that it is up-to-date and comprehensive and I check it a billion times a day to keep track of everything work and non-work related. And yes, it's all backed up somewhere safe.
  • Wall calendar for the big things and for visual mapping.

With this system in place, I was hesitant to add yet another planner to the mix. In retrospect, the undated Desire Map journal would have worked well, but I need accountability! I need to feel the guilt when I look back at a week of blank pages. So far, the daily planner gently keeps me on track and with my core desired feelings in mind. 

Is this all a bit woo-woo for you? The core desired feelings mumbo-jumbo? I understand. I've been there. It can seem a bit fluffy but I've learned over the past few months that the things that can seem soft, or fluffy, or not that important really make all the difference. The leadership strategies that seem the least task-focused and most obtuse are the ones that can elevate an entire team. The time spent in reflection and staring out windows can some of the most productive moments. 

Here we go. I want to feel brave, generous, at ease, curious, supported, grounded and present. And I'm working to distill these ideas into a few core feelings and to find the right words for them. 

I'd love to dig into each of these themes here on the blog, sprinkled in among house updates and new recipes we've tried and whatever else ends up on the page.