and they were together again

From Aldous Huxley's Island, brought to my attention by the wise Ram Dass.

A year and a half ago, I told you how my family had lost a very special person and that when I was able to collect my words, I would tell you about her. That person was my Nan, my dear soul sister grandmother. Three weeks ago, her strong and handsome sweetheart left us to join her. My words have come back to me, washing ashore on waves and ripples of sadness and calm and love.

Nan & Grampy were my grandparents. They cared for us when our parents worked, let us run through the sprinkler in their backyard and always welcomed us to crawl into their laps when we were scared.

One time, I don't know how old I was, Grampy offered to make us a plate of nachos. Rather than lightly sprinkling a bit of cheese on top, he placed a thick slice of cheddar squarely on each and every chip. My jaw dropped and my eyes lit up. At that moment, as I would see in many moments to come, I knew that we were cut of the same cloth. Years later, I remember a night that Nan called to laugh about the latest political gossip- this one involving a Senatorial candidate's steamy centerfold- and we easily laughed and chatted for over an hour, like we were girlfriends rather than women two generations apart.

Nan & Grampy were parents to six children, grandparents to nine of us and co-workers, friends and confidantes to many more. Their lives couldn't have been easy. I know that. But if Chris & I should be blessed with a fraction of the love and support and companionship that they shared with each other and with their family, then I will consider us supremely lucky. Sometimes I like to tell myself that we have the same ways about us that Nan & Grampy did. I'll pace around and wring my hands with worry until my husband gently reminds me that whatever the problem is, that it will work itself out. That I needn't fuss so much. I sometimes find myself telling stories and taking up all of the air space in a room and then I catch a glimpse of him, quietly listening and smiling and silently reminding me to breathe and to allow space to creep in. He fixes things for me and together we listen to the radio and work ourselves up into heated one-sided political debates, both of us cheering each other on against the absent opposition.

Nan left us to join her parents, sister, brother and daughter on the day of her sixty-third wedding anniversary in September 2011. Grampy stayed with us a little bit longer, in order that we could continue to soak in more of his ever-deepening wisdom and his opinions on the ways of the world. We talked about national politics, about Hurricane Katrina, about neighborhood development and about things I still don't understand. We shared recipes and news articles. Sometimes my schedule felt too busy and I didn't visit as much as I should have or wanted to. I hemmed his pants, like I did for Nan, because we were all given short legs at birth but made up for that with a healthy dose of spunk and can-do spirit. I miss Nan, of course, but have been surprised to feel how present she is in my life. She is here, still. A few weeks ago, Grampy metaphorically brushed his hands off, tired and callused from a life well-lived, took a final breath and they were together again.

jars, jars, jars

Chris was away over the weekend and one of the tasks I put on my to-do list was to figure out a place to store all of our jars. I've been told there are just too many of them. These aren't even all of the jars, just a sampling. How surprised he would be to come home to a tamed and organized jar collection! How he would swoon! We would laugh together and talk about how efficient I am and how thoughtful my organization strategy was and how I'm nothing like those hoarders you hear about on reality shows.

I'm pretty sure that when we talked about paring down the jar collection, though, it wasn't supposed to involve buying new jars to add to the collection.

How could I resist these limited edition, vintage-style commemorative embossed pint jars from the Ball American Heritage Collection?! I couldn't and you wouldn't have been able to either.

When I see memes like this one, from Handmade Ryan Gosling, float around... it really hits home.

When I wasn't buying new jars to help me organize my existing jar collection, I spent some time dancing in the kitchen to Brown Bird's newest album, practicing my very shaky yoga handstands and forearm balances and sipping margaritas.

farewell to a tiny kitchen

Now's the time to get back in our kitchens, dust off those cookbooks and start making good food. The dark, cold winter days are behind us. New produce is starting to show up at the farmers markets and springtime renewal is here. It's warm enough to untuck yourself from the pile of blankets but cool enough not to shun the oven and stove. It's the perfect time to rejuvenate our sense of culinary adventure!

Each season has its kitchen merits. The autumn chill allows us to turn on our ovens once more and beckons us inside to nest and prepare for the winter. Soups and homemade bread call us into the kitchen and take on a certain romance as we dig out our sweater collections. Winter, even with its short days and reliance on root vegetables, can endear us to a cozy, bustling kitchen. The summer frees us to make meals out of snacks, to grill outside and to feast on fresh fruits and vegetables.

I've been in a cooking slump. I've been working and running and generally avoiding putting real effort into meals. We've had a few successes, absolutely: sauteed mushroom & onion crostinis with jalapeno jam, roasted roots with grains, spaghetti squash delights and other humble creations. Fortunately I'm starting to feel the familiar pull back into the kitchen. To cook by myself or as part of our all-star team where we shuffle around each other with NPR on in the background and tales from our days filling the advertisement breaks.

I never wrote a proper farewell to our tiny kitchen. We moved into a new place with a bigger kitchen last summer and have been enjoying the extra space. We can cook with a bit more ease now, and far fewer curse words. Still, I will always love our first kitchen together. It was impossibly, unnecessarily small. I can't imagine living in a home with such a small kitchen now, but I'm sure glad we did it.

So long, tiny kitchen. Farewell to that miniature stove, the one that haughtily rejected large baking sheets and scoffed at my attempts to have more than two pots of things cooking at a time. Adios to the sink nestled beneath a cabinet so low as to make washing large dishes a feat of measuring angles and deftly twisting and turning cleaned objects to fit them into the drying rack.

No longer must I drag in a chair to stand upon when I need to reach my flour or sugar. Most things are now stored within reach, requiring only a stretch of the arm or, at most, a hop on a step stool.

Good to see you, regular-sized kitchen garbage can! How nice it is not to squish banana peels and plastic wrappers into a pint-sized receptacle anymore.

Hello kitchen drawers! It is so handy it is to have a place to tuck away silverware and other odds and ends. Hello dishwasher! Thank you for kindly offering to clean our dirty dishes. Everyone told me that as a two-person household, we would hardly create enough dishes to necessitate a dishwasher. I am not surprised to say that we fill up that dishwasher and run it frequently. We dirty up a lot of dishes, I guess.

We can open the refrigerator without fear of smashing into the person standing at the stove. We can both chop things up at the same time without one person being relegated to the living room or the entryway for counter space. We have a kitchen island!

Our tiny kitchen was where we really learned to cook. It was where we grew up and expanded our palettes and unpacked the bounty from our first CSA season. That kitchen was where I cooked up goodies for my first food swaps and samples at From Scratch Club's community outreach tables. I made cheese there and watched as a photographer from the Wall Street Journal tried to squeeze in there to take photos. We burnt pots of rice and trays of cookies. Our tiny kitchen won second place for rentals in a national contest of tiny kitchens! We brewed kombucha and water kefir. We got rid of our electric coffee maker to make room for Mr. Vitamix. We became vegetarians in that kitchen and learned to bconfident, adventurous cooks that tiny wonderful kitchen.

Now that I don't have to cook in it, that kitchen will always hold the fondest of memories :)

it's just a half marathon

We ran that half marathon on Sunday, up in Chris' hometown of Plattsburgh. They put together a nicely-organized race up there featuring both the 13.1 distance and a two-person relay. We indulged in pizza, pasta and garlic bread the day before, in the name of proper carbo-loading :) We also had a beer each and I am now a firm believer that a beer the night before may actually help me run faster. Every PR I've set for various distances was proceeded by a beer or two the night before. Maybe it's just the extra carbs, but it's a routine I can get behind.

It was cold, in the low 30s, but sunny. I ran 11 minutes faster than my previous best time, crossing the finish line just a few minutes under two hours with an average pace of around 9 minutes per mile. Chris ran a super fast race, surprising us both by placing 20th overall and 3rd in his age group, running at an average pace of 6:45 minutes per mile. I was in the zone, practicing my running meditation and concentrating on my form. Whenever I felt tired I shook out my arms, squared my shoulders, took a deep breath and picked up the pace. Or at least, tried not to slow down.

I ran. I thought about Boston. I ran through my to-do list for work. I thought about Chris and wondered how his race was going. I dreamt about food and started planning our summer vacation. I wondered if I looked funny in my sunglasses and then decided I didn't care. I checked in with my body to make sure everything was going ok, and mostly it was. But in between these thoughts, I tried not thinking. I tried to both stay in the present but to allow my mind to escape while my body kept running.

(via Charity Miles, the app I use to turn miles into charitable donations)

What a way to the pass the time. Running for a long time, dedicating hours to yourself, pushing your body but realizing that it's all within reach. It's just a half marathon. It's a small, friendly race. It's a choice you make. You commit to setting aside time to run, to eating a little better and going to bed a little earlier. It's not that radical. It's not that extreme but it still guides you along that path of becoming a peaceful zen lunatic, a soul rebel out on the road with your feet and your mind. You can sit back afterwards and feel proud of your accomplishment but not overwhelmed by it. I am thrilled with how I ran last weekend. Thrilled! But keeping it in perspective. I'm faster than I used to be. I'm less nervous about running than I used to be. I'm a little bit better at seeing the big picture than I used to be. My running is a work in progress, marked by missed workouts, less-than-inspiring runs and even bad weeks. Sometimes I'd rather sit and read. Sometimes I push myself to get out there but sometimes I don't. Sometimes I just can't. It's all alright. You do your best. You grab those moments of running zen and hold them close, savoring them and calling on them when the inspiration doesn't come so easily. Either way, you still get your pre-race pizza and your post-race beer (or is it the other way around?) With running, it balances out.

this week

4.09 miles for those impacted at the 4:09 hour mark in Monday's Boston Marathon.

There is nothing presently to say about the events in Boston this week, either those past and those continuing to unfold. My heart aches and I wring my hands, at once trying to absorb all of the news I can while also distancing myself in order to stifle my growing anxiety. Like so many of you out there, I feel paralyzed by this violence and the fear. I want to find a way to acknowledge the heartache and destruction, to honor the heroes and the acts of kindness, to recognize the terror that people all over the globe face every day, to not allow the presence of suffering elsewhere to diminish anyone's particular suffering because suffering and hardship is not a contest with a winner, to not jump to conclusions, to be informed but not obsessed, to be kind and fair, to seek peace, to deal with anger and fear and shock in ways that promote love not resentment, to be silent and thoughtful, to speak out with light and hope, to find a path through these contradictions that can help make us whole again.

In the absence of anything concrete to do, I will be sending as much healing energy out into the universe as I can. I will run a half marathon this Sunday with the Boston Marathon in my heart. I will think before I speak and try not to fuel the fear-based frenzy creeping in the media and online worlds. I will pray for peace.

Also- "If you are losing faith in human nature, go out and watch a marathon."

books & the kindle

This feels like a confession:  I bought a Kindle a month ago. I'm not sure what to think of it yet. So I read books on my Kindle and books in print. See purse filled with both my Kindle and a book, above. (I don't normally carry both around, I promise.)

On the one hand, I love it. It's so convenient and small! So lightweight and thin! So chic!

I have the Kindle Paperwhite, which is strictly an e-reader. No funny tablet business or sneaky Facebook checking for me. I am already way too plugged in with my iPhone and laptop. I just want to read. And I also really wanted one with that e-ink technology that makes the pages look like actual book pages, not like reading on a glossy, glare-y tablet.

Here are the high points of owning a Kindle or other e-reader:

An e-reader is so amazingly convenient. I can buy books in an instant! On a recent long layover after a missed flight, I was listening to an interview with Sheryl Sandberg and immediately, instantly bought her book Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead and started reading it. It was my first glimpse into this wonderful world of instant book-buying gratification.

I can carry with me a lot of books at one time. Look how small it is compared to another book I'm reading! When I travel, or even when I go to a park for the day, I bring too many books. I worry that I will finish one and be stuck, stranded, alone with no books for an unknown period of time. I worry that I will lose interest in one book and get the hankering for a different book. These are... well, they aren't really rational problems, but I know myself well enough to know that I can't stop bringing several books with me every time I leave the house. So having a Kindle lessens my crazy. I bring my one Kindle with me and am quietly content with the knowledge that I actually have many books with me at any given time. And if those books don't do it? I can buy another one instantly.

I can read books without people noticing the cover and asking me about them. I've heard a lot about the "50 Shades of Gray on the e-reader" phenomenon, which makes perfect sense, but I'm even more grateful for the ability to hide my new age, metaphysical, self-help texts from the common passerby. Not everyone that walks past needs to see exactly what I'm reading and the Kindle affords me that privacy.

I can read books in bed and still snuggle under the blankets, because I don't have to hold the book open. It's really rad. I just prop it up on my lap or a pillow and read, hands-free. It's lazy, but it is comfortable.

I can highlight and take notes at will. I'm a big note-taker and highlighter and am always frantically grabbing for a pen while reading. My Kindle makes it so easy to highlight important sentences and sections. Just drag your finger across a sentence and it's highlighted. Then you can see all of the passages you've marked up in one place. You can also delete highlights and notes, which is nice.

But? It's not all reading bliss here in my new e-book world. The low points:

I can't share books with the people who I think would enjoy them. I was raised to read and raised to share books. I do both with gusto, except that now the Kindle prevents me from book sharing. I've already encountered this problem when recommending books to friends. I tell them about one I just finished and how urgent it is for them to read it. Then I remember that I read mine on the Kindle and so I begin to awkwardly trail off saying that I wish I could lend them my copy but it's an electronic version so... just buy it yourself.

E-books aren't ideal for books that you want to flip through and haphazardly read different sections. It's best for straight-through reads. Novels, absolutely. Other paperback-esque books, sure. Big lifestyle, hardcover books? Ones with delicious photos and graphics? Ones with unique layouts? Not really. Those I will continue to buy in hard copy or borrow from the library. I don't mind having both my Kindle and my full bookshelves.

I probably won't buy from local book shops as much as I should. Let me be clear: I love local book shops. I love used book shops. I also, however, love Amazon. There's a time and place, I think, for all of them. I never scout out a book at a local shop and then backhandedly order it through Amazon. If I find it somewhere, I buy it there. But if it's obscure or if I know I won't have time to go shopping for awhile, I'll order it on Amazon, no guilt. So there. Another confession. But I do feel badly that my Kindle will further prevent me from patronizing the local guys. I just learned that I can somehow borrow e-books from the library, so I feel less guilty about that.

Phew, it feels good to get this Kindle confession out in the open. I can't believe I've crossed over to the dark side, but it comforts me to know that there will always be hardcopy books on my shelves too. There are some books that work on the Kindle and some that don't. I'm just excited by how many books I have with me most of the time, without even noticing it.

i'd like to write

 

As I plunge deeper into my career and continue to wade through my late twenties and everything that comes with the territory, I've been doing a lot of writing. I'd love to start sharing some of that here:  thoughts on careers and on balance and authenticity; on being a whole, complex person and embracing that wherever you are; on leadership and accepting new challenges; on being unafraid, confident and unapologetic. Thoughts on all of these things but also on everything else you expect here: juice cleanses, knitting projects, podcasts and kombucha, to name a few. Maybe it will resonate with you, maybe you'll skip some posts, maybe the most traffic I get will still be for my posts on cutting and growing out pixie cuts. (Speaking of, I do have short hair again so that's coming up here soon.) These broad topics are the ones I find myself reading and talking about lately, so that's where I'm headed with my writing. I've always figured myself to be an essayist and this space seems like just the place to bring those musings into the daylight.

This is how we do coffee. A beautiful Bennington Potters mug and the pour-over method. It's zen and simple and has the added bonus of looking great on Instagram. Lately we've been making a habit of happy hour coffees at home on Fridays, and I look forward to it all week.

oh atlanta

I spent most of last week down in Atlanta for Habitat for Humanity's National Affiliate Conference. It's the same conference that I presented at a few years ago. The difference that two years makes! In 2011, I attended by myself as a presenter and as a Board member. Our local Habitat affiliate was building a few houses a year. Last week, in 2013, I attended as my affiliate's Director of Development and traveled to Atlanta with seven of my colleagues. Last year, we built ten homes and broke ground on nine more. This year we will complete at least fifteen homes and break ground on an additional twenty. Things are changing, friends, and it is exciting.

I'm lucky that my position is one that constantly requires me to keep an eye on our larger mission, on why we build. Even though I tell this story to others on a daily basis, gatherings like the national conference still offer such an important reminder of the big picture. I returned feeling inspired and well-equipped and ready for action. I also returned feeling totally gushy about my coworkers and the opportunity we have to do important work with people we really like.

And now for a few non-conference photos from Atlanta :)

I went for a windy, wandering run through Centennial Olympic Park in downtown Atlanta.

A few of us stayed an extra day to soak up the southern sunshine and Mexican food.

A fancy blue tropical drink while we watched Atlanta spin by us in the circular, revolving Sun Dial Bar and lounge.

I'm thinking of reformulating things around here, adding a few bits and generally revamping this blog's mission statement. If 2012 was a banner year for major life changes, then 2013 is the year of settling into new roles and plunging ahead fearlessly. Stay tuned.

my three-day juice cleanse

This January, I did a three-day juice cleanse. It was awesome and before I get into the details, here is my obvious disclaimer that everyone should make their own decisions and do what is right for them. I've spent hours researching both sides of the juice cleanse debate and gave it a good deal of thought before taking the plunge.



I followed the Blueprint Cleanse program and signed up as part of a group through one of my local yoga studios. I expected it to be a grueling three days and prepared myself for that physical and mental battle. In the days and weeks prior, I read a lot. I read about juice cleanses, detoxes and the mind-body connection. Remembering the challenges that I had faced in past food-based cleanses, I expected three days of juice to be a struggle.

I got myself into a focused zen place. That was key.

And? It wasn't bad at all. It was... good, even. Day one was great. I was excited and ready and never hungry. Drinking six 16-oz juices a day, plus water and herbal tea, is a LOT. I drank them slowly as I worked and found that it was tough to squeeze them all in. As soon as I sensed even the tiniest pang of hunger, it was time for another juice. I was constantly drinking something, which kept my mind and stomach distracted and happy. I tried to sip on water and tea in between juices, but most time I couldn't sneak them in.

My typical juice schedule:
7:30am- Hot water with lemon
8:30-9:30am- Juice 1 (Green)
11:30am-12:30pm- Juice 2 (Pineapple Apple Mint- P.A.M.)
2-3pm- Juice 3 (Green)
4-5pm- Juice 4 (Spicy Lemonade)
5:15pm- Yoga
6:30-7:30pm- Juice 5 (Green)
8:30-9:30pm- Juice 6 (Cashew Milk)

I chose Level 2, because I heard that the beet juice in Level 1 isn't all that good and that's the only difference between the two levels. You can read about the juices more here. I remember tasting the green juice a few years ago at the NYC Wine & Food Festival and thinking it was awful. That could have been because I wasn't used to green juices at that point in time, or it could have been that I let it sit a few days too long and it went bad. I don't know. This time around, I really liked the green juice. Surprisingly, I ended up liking it better than the P.A.M. and Spicy Lemonade ones. The P.A.M. was pretty good and the Spicy Lemonade wasn't bad, although it definitely had a cayenne kick. The green ones, though, just tasted right to me. And let's not forget the cashew milk dessert. Pure heaven. After a full day of juices, my body was craving the protein and fat of this one and it always seemed like such a treat.

I was shocked at how smoothly the three days went. I didn't have any withdrawal symptoms, I never got too cranky nor did I feel deprived. I was in the zone, people. The time passed quickly, the fresh juice flowed and I felt great. At first I was bummed by how much of a non-issue the cleanse was, because I has psyched myself up for something big, something transcendental. Then I thought about it more, and felt totally smug about how non-toxic I must be and how little I needed to cleanse. Then I thought about it again, this time with more common sense and humility, and decided that yes, my body was benefiting from the detox and the rest from holiday indulgences, daily desserts, cheesy burritos and flowing booze but also that yes, I generally maintain a healthy lifestyle. I was already used to morning juices and smoothies, I eat a mostly plant-based diet and only drink coffee a few times a week. This juice cleanse was a subtle, anticlimactic indicator that I'm living well and benefiting appropriately from a three-day digestive rest. Not earth-shattering news, but reassuring in its own way.

Tips for success:

Follow the pre-cleanse recommendations. Honestly. You don't have to be perfect with it, but absolutely start cutting back on caffeine, dairy, meat, junk food, alcohol and sweets a few days before your cleanse. It helps both prepare your body for the cleanse, but also really helped me get in the zone. I took this little experiment really seriously and prepared myself physically and mentally for it. I think that made all the difference.

Enlist a buddy. I'm usually a loner when it comes to this stuff. I often prefer to carry out these health experiments alone and, in fact, I told almost no one about the cleanse until it was over. However, I am so grateful that I did this as part of a group at the yoga studio. Knowing that other people were following the same program really helped, because it felt less radical and severe. I knew that there were other people going to work and going about their regular lives while juice cleansing and I didn't feel so self-conscious about it.

Yoga. Part of the appeal of the group cleanse was that it also included daily yoga classes. They were scheduled right after work, which was the perfect time for me to reset before going home. The classes provided a welcome distraction from the typical after-work snacking and dinnermaking, and they kept me focused on my goals and provided great physical detox. Yoga is always a perfect way to draw more attention to your body and that's even truer during a cleanse. My studio and Blueprint also recommend spending time in a sauna or steam room to further facilitate the detox, but the only one I have access to is at my gym and it grosses me out. One of the yoga classes was held in a heated room, so I figured that was good enough.

Pick days that work for you. I had turned down other opportunities in the past for this juice cleanse because of scheduling. These three days worked well for me and were as good as it was going to get schedule-wise. Of course, you can't expect to have three days of no obligations or commitments while you cleanse, but I really wouldn't advise a cleanse if you have a major work event, birthday party or wedding to attend. Make it as easy as possible! I chose my cleanse dates because my work schedule was manageable and I didn't have any food-related events on the calendar. My evenings were free to attend the cleanse yoga classes. I didn't have any social dates set and was able to devote a lot of time to the experience. This group cleanse was offered Tuesday-Thursday, which I originally disliked, but I now think it was great. Staying on track during the weekend would have been much tougher for me. I wouldn't have wanted to stay home from a party or sulked in a corner feeling deprived. So during the work week, I kept my cooler of juices next to my desk and drank them quietly throughout the day.

Two questions I've gotten a lot are "Is the money worth it?" and "Can I hack the Blueprint Cleanse and make the juices at home?" The answers are Yes and Yes. Blueprint is awesome for the ease and convenience. For my first extended juice cleanse, I wanted it to be as straightforward and fail-proof as possible. I didn't want the option to sabotage myself, I didn't want to wonder if I was still getting the right nutrients and I didn't want to spend hours each night prepping the next day's juice. Blueprint gives you all three days worth of juice, which are each number 1-6. So on Day 1 you start with Juice 1, then Juice 2 and so on. You start all over again the next day. So easy. But could I have done it on my own with homemade juice? Absolutely. I'd love to do a cost comparison of this, because I think we'll be surprised at how much it will still cost to buy all of the fruits and veggies yourself. Each juice has a lot of produce in it and you are responsible for making eighteen juices yourself. If you are up for it and have the time to prep, it can absolutely work. It would certainly be manageable for a shorter one-day cleanse. Ordering Blueprint was completely worth it for my first extended cleanse and the fact that it was part of a group cleanse through my yoga studio made it even more worth it.

Bottom line? I loved my juice cleanse. I actually did feel lighter and more focused. For those interested, yes I did shed a few pounds temporarily, and about half of those came back after a few days of regular eating. I wasn't grumpy or hungry. I felt inspired and introspective. I felt empowered. When the three days were up, I know I could have done another day of all juices- though I'm glad I didn't have to! If you are curious about a juice cleanse, read up and learn more and then take the plunge if it is right for you. I'm happy to answer more questions below in the comments or by email :)